Why Growth Gets Lonelier Before It Gets Lighter

My growth journey was not and is not linear. Even as an Empowerment coach, I still have things to work through and unpack because as a human we pick up a lot of shit (patterns) as we live. I want you to understand that the beginning is by far the hardest part because it takes a commitment to choose yourself first. And for so many of us, choosing to forsake everything you did once before, whether they are habits, relationships or just the way you choose to show up, is hard. 

Here’s the thing, I quit my job after two weeks. There was no plan, but there was relief. Now I’m not suggesting you quit your job, especially without a plan. My decision to do this came from desperation. I started this job thinking I was going to escape from another chaotic environment and in reality, I just needed to abandon ship on the entire medical industry. Everything about this job was off, the office was a mess, which was fitting philosophically because so was I. I was mentally checked out the entire time I was there. I remember it being a fight to not dissociate, and when I was cognizant, I was a scattered mess. I was past rock bottom, I was in hell. And honestly lonely because I just didn't know what was wrong with me. If I'm being honest I felt crazy. 

A defining moment for me was when I was sitting in my boyfriend’s car on my lunch break, staring at nothing while he talked. I can’t even tell you what he was saying if I was being honest. My mind was racing loudly, overwhelmingly.  I was thinking about what would happen if I went back after my lunch break. 

What if I had a meltdown? 

What if I flipped the proverbial table? 

Broke down into uncontrollable tears?

The very idea of that scared the shit out of me. I am not one who shows a lot of emotions overtly. There was no doubt in my mind that if I went back in there I would lose my shit.

Interrupting my boyfriend, I asked him “Is it ok if I quit my job”, because at that moment I needed validation and to know if he would support my decision to quit. He definitely wanted to say no, but I promised him that I would get a new job, I just couldn’t go back in there. I just knew I couldn’t keep doing this, living the way that I was. He agreed, I quit and it was the first time I ever felt relief since I had finally done something for myself. 

Let me tell you, quitting, QUITTING!!  WITHOUT A PLAN!!?  IS WILD AND SCARY!

It was definitely something I had never done before. It brought out a different type of motivation for me. This was a pivotal moment in my journey, but I definitely didn't have things figured out. 

It's possible you won't either.

Honestly, it took me months to figure out what my next steps would even be. Other pain points started creeping in and becoming louder which was becoming harder to ignore. I lacked direction and had all of these things I wanted to do but no focus because I was under what I like to call “the fog”. It's this time when everything is confusing, and you know things need to change. But you have no starting point. You are living a life but you feel disconnected and it's in that you recognize how lonesome it feels. 

At the risk of sounding woo-woo, the universe literally started dropping little nudges into my lap. A podcast episode here, social media post there. I didn't know what I was going to need. It took me three months just to settle enough mentally to even start the journey of self-discovery consciously. I started with social media, books, and podcasts. I honestly don’t recall what I listened to in the beginning. 

The start of my journey is… hazy. 

See “the fog” is real, full of that pesky dissociation. 

Here’s my truth: I didn’t see any real shifts until I started therapy and mindset coaching (definitely not a sell towards you to seek outside help, but an outside perspective can be enlightening). 

So here I am.

Knowing that things need to change but life around me is moving the same, I joined a coaching program. The coaching allowed me to put into practice many of the things I had learned. Boundaries? I lacked them, feeling my emotions and honoring them? I had to relearn that. When my coach told me I wasn’t crazy, something clicked.

I had allowed people to mistreat me.

I had mistreated myself.

I had missed out on opportunities.

I had self-sabotaged.

When you have a mirror held to you it can be really eye-opening but also painful. 

I needed to acknowledge these things to get through “the fog”. Dont get me wrong when you encounter this moment of realization it's not about shame. It's about knowledge and seeing yourself with a new perspective. 

Remember when I said my journey isn't linear, there were many signs and honestly, you’ve probably had quite a few up until this point. One of my standout signs was not that loud and was random: 

I was out one day with friends and encountered a situation where we had to help this lost woman. She wasn't from the area and was heavily intoxicated and it didn't sit well with me to allow her to wander by herself, so we got her home. And it was just the reaction of some of those friends that made me realize that these relationships didn't align with who I was. I remember being afraid because I love these people. I still do but, I just realized that I couldn't think the same as I had. I remember leaving and seeing them and knowing that things would have to change for me. And by association or relationships. I remember feeling sad.  

The thing is that once you start a journey there are a lot of beautiful things about it. There's also a lot of reprogramming that has to occur. Often that means redefining lines between people you care about.  

I thought that my friends would be accepting but their actions and language spoke volumes. Amongst my friend group, comments would be made about my complexion and I had a rather large group of friends. I am a light-skinned black woman and I would continue to find myself at the end of a joke that I didn't find funny.  

I normally don’t take a lot of things personally, I like to have fun but there’s a stigma amongst black women that lighter black women see themselves as better and I dont believe that nor do I condone this behavior.

My friends knew this!  

Their jokes consisted of: “My white friend.” and “Oops I confused you with a napkin”

The comments came often enough that it started to feel normal and I knew that if I were to return this same energy it would not be received well, so why did they feel it was okay to do it to me? 

 We already live in a society that already pits us against each other, labels us, and boxes us in. I couldn’t understand why people who were close to me referenced me in a disrespectful context. I communicated my feelings and asked them to stop but, I was told to deal with it. While others never acknowledge what I said.  

Another sign I recognized was with my dad. 

There was this situation where he told my nephew, who was misbehaving, that he was going to be sent to my house as punishment. At the time my nephew had never visited my house, so I asked my dad not to say that. I asked him not to frame my space like it was a punishment because he wouldn't understand.  My dad said “Whatever” and continued doing it. Now, my nephew loves being at my place. I can’t get that boy to go home. 

These were two examples of people who were close to me that disregarded my boundaries. They are why I had to reevaluate the lines of those relationships. For others, it took some harder experiences on my part to enforce those boundaries. 

“Those weren't hills I’d die on”

I decided that putting distance between us, since I accepted that they didn't want to respect my needs, was the best way to start. So yes, the boundaries were in place and I lost the illusions being harbored in my relationships. Both moments taught me the same thing: Just because I finally started using my voice didn’t mean the people around me were ready to hear it and that’s when the loneliness became apparent. I wasn’t just changing, I was outgrowing things that never should have been normal.

What surprised me most in this experience is that you can’t unsee anything. Once you pull back the veil of bad habits, things that hurt you versus serving you, mistreatment of yourself, and self-sabotage, it’s hard to go back.  Growth forces you to face your own choices and recognize your power. You start to realize you’ve always had options, that you just didn’t know how to identify them and with this newfound awareness, now you do, and that changes everything.

You can’t knowingly misbehave and explain it away as ignorance. Once you’re aware, it becomes a choice and when it is, you’re culpable. 

I started to see that I wasn’t powerless. 

In the beginning, every decision felt like it came with a side of self-doubt. Am I doing too much? Am I being dramatic? I kept second-guessing myself, even as I was becoming more myself. 

It was heavy but, there were moments (quiet ones) where I was like: “Yeah, I definitely deserved better”. 

My day-to-day life started looking different. Less texts, fewer calls and over time, the ones that came through were more meaningful. 

In that silence, I found peace.

Soon, I learned that I was working towards something, the ability to drive my life in the direction I wanted surrounded by people and things that I deserve. I now understand that not everyone is going to join me with this growth. Everyone is on their own path.  I also learned that I was going to have to shed a few layers of the life I once had and that it was going to change everything. 

Pulling back that veil ended up touching every component of my life and thats scary as fuck. Once you see it, clarity changes everything and it gets harder to ignore. Clarity doesn’t mean things get easier, It means you start choosing with intention, It means you start recognizing that empowerment isn’t a feeling—it’s a series of decisions. And in those decisions, you find your strength. Some decisions may not work for everyone around you and you have to be okay with that. This is about choosing you and while people may love you selfishly, no one will love you as deeply, as fully, or as consistently as you need to love yourself. 

Here’s my suggestion to you: If loneliness becomes too much, find groups of like-minded people. I know a lot of times you think you have to go at it alone, but you don’t. There are so many people who feel exactly as you do. Connect with them. Share your experiences. You don’t have to face this journey by yourself.